Change your thinking with Neuroplasticity, NLP, and CBT

It’s about the science

Breakups can be tough. Losing your job can be tough. Life can be tough. They often leave us feeling lost, hurt, and uncertain about the future. But amidst the emotional turmoil, there’s an opportunity for profound personal growth and reinvention. By leveraging the principles of neuroplasticity, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can not only recover but thrive post-trauma. Here’s how.

Understanding Neuroplasticity: Rewiring Your Brain

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. This means that even after a painful breakup, your brain has the capacity to heal and adapt. You literally can become your thoughts. we would recommend a book called Your Mental Mess by Dr Caroline Leaf which gives practical advise on how to rewire your brain in 5 steps over 2 months.

Essentially your emotions produce chemicals (like cortisal) which is the human flight or fight response to protect yourself and the brain will pull on previous memories related to the emotion (i.e betrayal, abandonment, jealousy etc) so when the body and mind is emotional you will reinforce thinking around situations and people which are not necessarily related to the current circumstances or individuals. This also impacts cognitive dissonance where you feel something from the past memory but it no longer aligns to who you really are now and can cause disruptive emotions. The key is to take yourself out of your emotional state, think on situations rationally and reframe them in your mind consciously and proactively.

Here are some strategies to harness the power of neuroplasticity:

Engage in New Activities

    • Learn Something New: Pick up a new hobby, learn a language, or start a new sport. This stimulates your brain to form new connections and shift focus away from the past. Generally, you won’t dwell on the past if you are looking to the future.

    • Physical Exercise: Regular physical activity increases the production of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a protein that supports neuron growth and function. Seems common sense but did you know exercise actually grows your brain to be a new you. Not to mention pumping your body full of dopamine, detoxification agents and seratonin. Same with saunas and cold water. It will make you feel good, literally, via chemicals.

    • Make time for positive thinking : Change your mindset by changing who and how you talk about things and yourself. Think about how you want your life to be next time when you are not sad, angry or feeling hurt. The reality is depression is enhanced by ruminating on the past so work in the solution space. Build for the future.

Mindfulness and Meditation

    • Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness and meditation helps in reducing stress and promotes emotional regulation by encouraging you to focus on the present moment and learn to be comfortable with your thoughts – it’s not easy to sit with your own mind – studies showed that people would rather apply an electric shock to themselves than sit on their own for 15 minutes with no distractions. Much of human behaviour is born with not being comfortable being on your own – so learn to do this. Start with walking on your own. Then move to daily sitting in silence for 15 minutes.

    • Gratitude Journaling: Writing down things you’re grateful for can rewire your brain to focus on positive experiences and emotions.

    • Learn to not be constantly distracted : This enables uncomfortable feelings to surface so YES spend time on your own to grow away from constant pleasure seeking and distractions

Harnessing NLP: Changing Thought Patterns

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a psychological approach that involves analyzing and modifying how you think, behave, and communicate. Here’s how NLP can help you thrive :

Reframe Negative Thoughts

    • Positive Reframes: Whenever a negative thought about the breakup arises, consciously reframe it into something positive. For example, instead of thinking, “I’ll never find love again,” reframe it to, “This is an opportunity to find someone who truly matches my values and goals.”

Anchoring Positive States

    • Create Positive Anchors: Use specific physical actions (like touching your thumb and forefinger together) when you’re feeling happy or confident. Later, use this anchor to evoke those positive states when you’re feeling down.

Visualization Techniques

    • Future Pacing: Visualize a positive future where you have moved past the breakup and are thriving. This technique helps in setting a mental blueprint for your brain to follow.

Applying CBT: Challenging and Changing Beliefs

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a well-established method for changing unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviors. Here’s how to apply CBT techniques post-breakup:

Identify and Challenge Cognitive Distortions

    • Spot Distortions: Be aware of common cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, and catastrophizing.

    • Challenge Them: When you notice these distortions, challenge them by asking yourself questions like, “Is this thought really true?” and “What evidence do I have to support this thought?”

Behavioral Activation

    • Stay Active: Engage in activities that you used to enjoy or find new ones that interest you. This not only distracts from negative thoughts but also boosts your mood.

Set Realistic Goals

    • Short-Term Goals: Set achievable short-term goals that can provide a sense of accomplishment. This could be anything from exercising three times a week to completing a project at work.

    • Long-Term Goals: Think about where you want to be in a year or five years. Break these long-term goals into smaller, manageable steps.

Reinvesting in Yourself

Physical Health

    • Nutrition: Eat a balanced diet to support overall well-being.

    • Sleep: Ensure you’re getting enough quality sleep to help your body and mind recover.

Emotional Health

    • Therapy and Counseling: Consider talking to a therapist who can guide you through your emotions and help you develop coping strategies.

    • Support Networks: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can provide comfort and perspective.

Personal Growth

    • Continuous Learning: Invest time in learning new skills, reading books, or taking courses that interest you.

    • Set New Personal Goals: Whether it’s traveling, advancing in your career, or developing a new talent, setting goals can give you a sense of direction and purpose.

Conclusion

A breakup, while painful, is also a chance to reinvent yourself and grow. By understanding and applying the principles of neuroplasticity, NLP, and CBT, you can reshape your thoughts, behaviors, and ultimately, your life. Focus on new activities, challenge negative thoughts, and set achievable goals. Remember, this is not just about surviving a breakup—it’s about thriving and becoming the best version of yoursel

How do you rebuild trust once a partner cheats?

cheating couples

How do build trust in a relationship if one partner has cheated

Rebuilding trust in a relationship after infidelity can be a traumatic, challenging and complex process. Most people’s default is to throw the towel in. It requires commitment, effort, and open communication from both partners to move through infidelity. What is often difficult is understanding that there are two sides to the issue, and despite contrary opinion, people who are unfaithful probably are unhappy in your relationship or with themselves and whilst it’s absolutely the wrong way forward to ever use it as an excuse, and very rarely is it, there are usually reasons people are self sabotaging and being unfaithful is one of those ways.

It is entirely valid to end a relationship because of it, but, at least consider the full picture before you decide. Have you ever considered being unfaithful? Is it because your relationship has failed? Is your behaviour partly responsible for your partner feeling they need attention elsewhere? Would it have been better for them just to end it? All valid question which few people honestly address. If you do decide to give it another go…………..

Here are some steps that can help in building trust again 

  1. Take responsibility: The partner who cheated must take full responsibility for their actions and show genuine remorse. They need to acknowledge the pain they caused and be willing to make amends. This will probably also mean that individual getting solo therapy and examining why they decided to cheat when they should have communicated or indeed what’s driving then to seek attention elsewhere. Is it self sabotaging the relationship? Do they have insecurity issues? Why didn’t they just end the relationship? Are they arrogant and egotistical? Is this a pattern? Maybe they were bored and trapped and saw this as a bit of a distraction? None of this excuses it. Ultimately it’s probably not a reflection of you or the relationship but issues they have with themselves. They need to embrace change and do some work with or without you (if they want a committed relationship)
  2. Open and honest communication: Both partners need to engage in open, honest, and non-defensive communication. The betrayed partner should be allowed to express their emotions, ask questions, and seek reassurance. The cheating partner should be transparent and willing to answer honestly.
  3. Seek professional help: Consider seeking the assistance of a couples therapist or counselor who specializes in infidelity. A professional can guide both partners through the healing process, provide tools for communication, and help navigate difficult emotions
  4. Establish boundaries and agreements: Rebuilding trust often involves setting clear boundaries and agreements for the future. These boundaries should be mutually agreed upon and help both partners feel secure. The cheating partner should be willing to be accountable and respectful of these boundaries.
  5. Allow time for healing: Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Both partners need to understand that healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s essential to be patient, supportive, and give each other the necessary space to heal and rebuild the relationship.
  6. Consistency and reliability: The partner who cheated needs to demonstrate consistency in their words and actions. They must follow through on their promises, be reliable, and rebuild trust gradually over time. Consistency is key in showing the betrayed partner that they can rely on their partner again
  7. Forgiveness and letting go: Forgiveness is a personal choice and may take time. The betrayed partner should be allowed to process their emotions and work towards forgiveness at their own pace. The cheating partner should be patient and understanding during this process
  8. Rebuilding intimacy: Rebuilding trust also involves reestablishing emotional and physical intimacy. Both partners need to work on rebuilding their connection and intimacy through shared activities, quality time, and affection.

Remember, rebuilding trust is a joint effort, and both partners need to be committed to the process. It’s crucial to assess whether both partners are willing to invest in the necessary work to rebuild the relationship and whether it’s a healthy choice for both individuals involved. It may be best to call it a day, and the might have been the reality before the cheating anyhows. 

Building a Post Separation Life : A Guide to Taking Care of Your Health

men after divorce

Going through a separation or divorce is undeniably challenging, emotionally and mentally. As men who have experienced this significant life change, it’s crucial to prioritize self-care and focus on rebuilding your life in a positive and healthy way. While the healing process may take time, there are steps you can take to look after your overall well-being. In this blog, we will explore some practical strategies to help you navigate this new chapter while taking care of your health and building a post separation life.

  1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: Separation brings with it a sense of loss, and it’s essential to acknowledge and process these emotions. Give yourself permission to grieve the end of the relationship. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, or confusion that may arise. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings without judgment.
  2. Prioritize Mental Health: The emotional toll of a separation can have a significant impact on your mental well-being. Focus on nurturing your mental health by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Consider taking up hobbies, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or engaging in physical activities like walking, running, or yoga. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you find yourself struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns.
  3. Establish a Support Network: Building a strong support network is crucial during this challenging time. Reach out to close friends or family members who can provide a listening ear, guidance, and encouragement. Surrounding yourself with positive and understanding individuals can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation. Additionally, consider joining support groups or seeking therapy to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. Making new friends and trying new things will build on hope and faith that brighter times await.
  4. Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle: Taking care of your physical health is essential for your overall well-being. Ensure you maintain a balanced diet, including nutritious foods that nourish your body. Regular exercise can also have a significant impact on your mood and energy levels. Try and avoid alcohol, drugs and excessive partying (and some would argue dating). Engage in activities you enjoy, whether it’s hitting the gym, cycling, or playing sports. Remember, physical activity releases endorphins, which can boost your mood and reduce stress. Try cold water therapy and saunas which will drive dopamine levels up (the feel good hormone)
  5. Get Adequate Rest: Amidst the emotional upheaval, it’s easy to neglect your sleep patterns. However, adequate rest is crucial for your physical and mental health. Establish a consistent sleep routine by going to bed and waking up at regular times. Create a calm and comfortable sleeping environment, and avoid stimulating activities before bedtime, such as excessive screen time. Prioritize getting the recommended seven to eight hours of quality sleep each night.
  6. Set Realistic Goals: Moving forward after a separation can be overwhelming, but setting realistic goals can provide a sense of direction and purpose. Take the time to reassess your personal and professional aspirations. Break your goals into smaller, manageable steps that can be accomplished gradually. Celebrate each milestone along the way, acknowledging your progress and growth.
  7. Seek Professional Help When Needed: Sometimes, the healing process requires professional guidance. If you find it challenging to navigate through your emotions or adjust to the new circumstances, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. They can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and support tailored to your specific needs.
  8. Get comfortable spending regular and scheduled times on our own where huge growth can occur. This may seen counter intuitive to start but it’s hugely important for processing and understand yourself
  9. Keep the faith. Think about the new life you want to build. Your hobbies and passions and what is meaningful to you and your purpose. What do you want to achieve and become in the next chapter of your life. What do you wish to improve. Take 100% ownership of where you are and what you are to build a better version of yourself.

Conclusion: While going through a separation is undoubtedly a difficult experience, it’s important to prioritize your health and well-being during this transitional period. By allowing yourself to grieve, focusing on mental and physical health, building a support network, and setting realistic goals, you can embark on a journey of healing and personal growth. Remember to be patient with yourself, as healing takes time. Embrace this new chapter as an opportunity for self-discovery, resilience, and personal transformation

If you need or wish to get some support or coaching on this period of your life email ed@bluemindapproach.com for an initial chat.

Why don’t I like myself?

Why do many people struggle with liking themselves?

As someone that struggled to like themselves for the majority of my life, I was shocked and surprised to learn that many people struggle with liking themselves. It’s an incredibly complex issue that often stems from childhood experiences and limiting beliefs imposed upon us by parents, teachers, friends, society and that boy on the bus that threatened to punch you because you accidently clipped him with your school bag!

I believe one of the main reasons people struggle to like themselves is due to unresolved issues from their inner child. We all have an inner child within us, which represents our younger selves. The inner child holds all the pain, joys, and fears that we experienced as children (Did a childhood experience just pop to mind?).

Unfortunately, some of us never dealt with these experiences, and they continue to haunt us in adulthood.

acceptance

An early unresolved childhood issue

It’s the autumn of 1996 – I’m 11 years old. A new school meant new classes, new friends and new experiences. However, I did not realise that it would also mean experiencing a level of embarrassment and pain that I never thought possible.

I was always self-conscious about my body, even though I was quite active. The idea of showering with other boys at school terrified me, but I knew that it was a routine part of secondary school life. So, reluctantly, I joined the other boys in the communal shower after PE.

But as soon as I stepped into the shower room, my worst fears were realised. Some of the boys pointed and laughed at me, teasing me about my “chubby” body. A teacher made a comment about my shape that sliced through me like a hot knife through butter. I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear.

From that day on, I dreaded every PE lesson, every rugby training, because I knew what was coming.

Body shaming

Every time I was naked I felt exposed, vulnerable and ashamed. I began to obsess over my appearance, checking myself out in the mirror for hours on end and scrutinising every inch of my body. I would borrow my brother’s weights, hide in my room and do bicep curls and press-ups until bedtime. I began to see flaws everywhere I looked, and I hated myself for it.

Years went by and my trauma only grew worse. I refused to take my shirt off in public, shower with the rest of the team after rugby matches, sleep naked or topless in relationships. I would wear make-up to cover spots. There would be times in relationships, I struggled to be intimate with my partners, afraid that they would judge me in the way the boys and the teacher at school had.

It wasn’t until I changed my relationship with my physical self that I began to recover from years of body shaming and self-hatred. With time, I learned to love myself for who I was – flaws and all. I gained a sense of comfort in my own skin.

It feels like my experience is far too common in our society. No one should have to fear being naked or ashamed of their body.

Connect and heal with your inner child

When we aren’t able to connect and heal our inner child, we may develop limiting beliefs about ourselves. Do you remember a time where you were told as a child that you weren’t good enough or not capable of achieving your dreams? These beliefs can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a lack of confidence. Sound familiar?

Moreover, limiting beliefs can be perpetuated by negative self-talk, which reinforces these ideas about ourselves. As a result, we may grow up with negative self-image and feel stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage.

It’s essential to recognise that these beliefs and feelings aren’t the fault of the individual but rather the result of learned behaviour from the childhood. However, we have the power to change them. By acknowledging our inner child (Read Ed Bassett’s thoughts on the inner child here – https://bluemindapproach.com/understanding-the-inner-child/ ) and working towards healing, we can break free from limiting beliefs and star to see ourselves in a more positive light.

Self-love isn’t something that comes naturally for everyone. It’s a complicated process that requires a deep understanding of our past experiences and the beliefs that drive our behaviours. Through introspection, therapy and personal development, we can learn to love and accept ourselves fully. We owe it to ourselves to work towards this goal because ultimately, how we feel about ourselves impacts every aspect of our lives.

Learn how to like yourself

Liking yourself can be a challenging journey, especially if you have experienced hardships such as divorce, addiction, and emotional eating. However, it is possible overcome these obstacles with patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to heal – I’ll offer some helpful tips and strategies that might benefit you on this path towards liking yourself.

Recovering from divorce and separation.

Divorce can leave you feeling lost, alone, and unworthy of love. However, it’s important to remind yourself that divorce does not define your worth as a person. Begin by practicing self-compassion and forgiveness. It’s okay to feel hurt and angry, but holding onto those feelings will only prevent you from moving forward. Try writing down your thoughts and emotions in a journal to process them. Seek out support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate this difficult time. Take care of yourself by engaging in activities that bring you joy and make you feel good. It would be wise to be avoid alcohol and drugs.

Healing from a gambling addiction

Gambling addiction can be destructive and cause significant financial and emotional harm. The first step towards healing is admitting that you have a problem and seeking help. Join a support group or seek out a therapist or a coach. Someone that has actually been through the experience.

Managing emotional eating.

Emotional eating is a common way to cope with stress and negative emotions. However, it can lead to weight gain, health problems, and feelings of shame and guilt. Learning to identify and manage your emotions without turning to food is key to managing emotional eating. Try keeping a food diary to identify triggers that lead to emotional eating episodes. Instead of reaching for food, try finding alternative coping mechanisms like going for a walk, talking to a friend, or practicing deep breathing exercises. Seek out professional help if you need it, such as seeing a dietitian or therapist who specializes specifically on the topic.

Self-compassion, honesty, and a willingness to heal will help you. 

In conclusion, liking yourself requires self-compassion, honesty, and a willingness to heal. Take things one step at a time, and seek support from loved ones or professionals when needed. Remember that setbacks are part of the journey, and it’s okay to ask for help. You deserve happiness and a fulfilling life, and with time and patience, you can achieve it.

50 things I wish my parents had told me

things my parents told me

50 things I wish my parents had told me

  1. You don’t know yet what you will know. So remain calm when you don’t know.
  2. Doing nothing is not an option.
  3. Your Truth matters above else, and others’opinions. Agree to disagree more. 
  4. Stop trying to be liked. Most people won’t like you regardless of what you do.
  5. Your life is your life. Remove others expectations of it. 
  6. Making an apology is a gift. They work for you and not against you.
  7. ‘I don’t know’ are the three most underused words in the English language. 
  8. Silence is an acceptable answer.
  9. You have one body. Don’t kill it with putting crap in it.
  10. Calm is a superpower.
  11. Time heals most things. It’s a medicine for pain.
  12. You don’t have to understand others but you owe it to yourself and others you love to understand yourself.
  13. Love yourself before anyone else. 
  14. Fools seek popularity. 
  15. A man comfortable on his own has the most powerful mind.
  16. Solitude enables gratitude.
  17. There are more people that would be grateful for your problems than want your possessions.
  18. Vanity is the route of self loathing.
  19. Greed is a poison. You can’t dilute it. 
  20. Love is hard to find but harder to give.
  21. Integrity is what you do when nobody is watching.
  22. A hashtag doesn’t make you a Buddha.
  23. Your ego will make you ill.
  24. and Secrets will make you sick.
  25. Forgiveness is about setting yourself free, not letting others off the hook.
  26. A strong man will not run from pain.
  27. Make daily movement as habitual as making your bed and eating your breakfast.
  28. You need to be responsible for your life. Nobody will save you from yourself.
  29. Self sabotage is the Universe telling you you need words for your pain.
  30. Tears are necessary.
  31. Men need to cry more.
  32. We all need to talk more and listen more than we talk.
  33. Everything that grows starts in the dark.
  34. Your best effort is more rewarding than your easiest win.
  35. Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
  36. Life is always essentially tragic but a joyous life is a choice.
  37. One word can change a life, and destroy it.
  38. Your guilt is God telling you he hasn’t forgotten you. Find him or your spiritual self.
  39. The Universe knows best and will show you. Trust in that.
  40. You are incredible. You forget that sometimes so always build others up.
  41. You can change your life in an instant.
  42. Don’t hide from something you really want. It will burn your soul to dust.
  43. Failing is, like love, prone to be the worst and best times of your life.
  44. Negative people have no place at your table.
  45. Choose your tribe wisely and stop watering dead trees.
  46. Some people don’t like you changing. They need you to be the same to justify themselves. 
  47. One day will be your last. No amount of wealth you accumulate can change that fact.
  48. Time spent hating your work is time not worth having.
  49. Don’t be addicted to anything apart from growth.
  50. Be yourself. It’s all you start and end with.

#bluemind

How to make men happy

what makes men happy?

We know everyone is different, gender stereotyping is wrong and in any healthy relationship both partners should consider each others needs…..but here our our top 6 on understanding what makes men happier in, and out, of a relationship. We understand also that happiness and accountability starts with us. We don’t and should not seek someone to make us happy and men should strive to be able to look after themselves. We do however thrive with the right partner so here goes. How to make men happy.

happy couple

1. Make us feel good about what we do well and not what we don’t do.

Let’s smash this one open. Praise him and make him feel good about himself. Rather than pick out things he can do better or needs to do differently first acknowledge his strengths. This is basic relationship building skills but yet many men feel undervalued and underappreciated so if you want higher performance and things to be done differently in your relationship build him up don’t tear him down. Excessive criticism, without positive feedback and support, is the number one reason a relationship will fail. So if you need something changing then start with gratitude and appreciation for what you do have. We all need positive affirmation and validation so start with the positives. Men will respond two fold if you make them feel valued and appreciated. We all do!

2. Tell him you need support and not solutions

Men will hear problems and try and fix them. So if you need more listening from him, tell him that first. He will try and step in and fix things. That’s what we do and it can be extremely frustrating, for both of you, not knowing you only want us to listen. So try opening communication with “‘Hey darling. Hope you are good. Can I grab you to talk at you for a while? Need to get something off my chest but I don’t need an answer right now”. Thanks” or “When we can make the time can I talk at you for a bit? Something is bothering me and I could do with you listening to me vent”

If you do need some practical advice, some ideas, or you need to discuss something to improve in your relationship SAY IT. Advise him you need solutions or feedback to the thing that is annoying or impacting you. Be clear on what you need, please.

3. Make time to talk and connect with each other

Again. Applies to both of you right? However, we feel men find it more challenging to communicate about feelings, generally speaking, but once we are in a safe space we have incredible depth and compassion. So the way to encourage a man to open up is to make him not feel judged and able to be vulnerable. Yes, we understand effort flows both ways and you need time to express and be heard but men need more time to step into this space and open up. Once they do they can express the same levels of vulnerability and insight as women generally do. Also in communication talk about what he wants, what he desires, his fears, his needs and sex, talk about sex, as it’s often something men feel they don’t think you want to talk about. If you adopt this language he will respond far better with caring for you. Again, it’s about making your partner feel valued and once he feels safe he will understand how to reciprocate. The general fact seems to be that men find emotional development tough so they need help to start the process of self awareness later in life than women do. Generally speaking….

4. Make space for him to be on his own

You both need space to avoid being co-dependent. Men, like women, need time out. We need time away from our partner to decompress, to adjust, to find ourselves, to spend time on our hobbies and to spend time with other people doing things you possibly can’t understand or fathom. We need to be creative, we need to move, we need to bond with other people. So ask him what he loves, where he finds peace and growth and encourage that. If he loves you he will gladly offer the same. Communicate what drives his spirit and where he finds purpose and help him pursue that even if you are not part of it. BUT, find common ground, common activities and hobbies. You need to grow together but not suffocate each other. Active communication again will make him and you feel understood that you are helping each other fulfil each other’s potential

let men be happy

5. Men are different. Let them be. Let them explore

Again we are generalizing. You don’t need to understand everything a man says or does. Sometimes we like doing random and what might seem stupid, things. We might want to build a portable stove or play darts with one eye blindfolded or do an Ironman and it’s utterly pointless and most things don’t work and seem illogical. You don’t know why we do pointless and childish stuff sometimes? Who cares? Neither do we. Let us act like children sometimes and be selfish and explore. Life is too serious. We all need to unwind and feel comfortable being silly. Let go of your mask, forget how things look and express yourselves. Test yourself. Open your mind to doing weird stuff and pushing boundaries. There is nothing more soul destroying than doing the same, repetitive day, day after day, after day…..life should be an adventure so harness that desire in men, and women.

6. Tell him what makes him attractive and buy him flowers

We all like to feel good about ourselves. Men love being told they look handsome. It will make him attentive, proud to be with you and feel masculine. And that’s good for all of you…..he is more likely to dress well, work out and smell good if he knows it’s appreciated. As for the flowers….we like surprises.

if you would like Ed or Mark to talk on any issues above or on men’s personal development then drop us a line !!!

 Remember this is just our view. We don’t claim to be right and everyone has a different view, different needs and perspectives.

Growth Mindset & Action Plans

Growth mindset

What is a Growth Mindset?

“Nothing is impossible. The word itself says, I’m possible!” – Audrey Hepburn

achieve growth

Do you believe that you can improve your skills through dedication, hard work, and consistent effort? Do you believe that you can improve almost any skill, despite your starting point? Then you probably have what Carol Dweck would describe as a Growth Mindset. A growth mindset is different from a fixed mindset which is the belief that your abilities and skills are fixed traits, that cannot change.

When Mike Tyson said, “Talents got nothing to do with it”, he was talking about how hard work beats talent. Talent is something that you may have, but if you see your talent as something fixed, that you cant work on or improve, it will be useless against someone who deliberately practices becoming better. They will most likely, eventually become better than the person who started with more talent.

 

In the book Peak by the late Anders Ericsson, he talks about his research on how consistent effort can make you an expert in almost anything. Anders Ericsson was the author and psychologist, whose work Malcolm Gladwell discovered the 10,000-hour rule. Because it wasn’t fully explained in his book, Ericsson wrote his own book to explain it more fully.

Deliberate Practice

Ericsson explained what deliberate practice is. If you try to get good at anything with “deliberate practice” you can become an expert. You need to identify what you need to improve, and when you reach the point at which you can’t improve by yourself, you need a teacher or mentor who knows how to teach you how to become better. This constant process of improvement with deliberate practice is what turns people into experts. It can take significantly less than 10,000hrs or much longer, depending on how you practice.

deliberate practice

Wolfgang Mozart

In the world of classical music, many people consider Wolfgang Amedeus Mozart, as the greatest composer ever. A musical genius from a young age, he was known to be able to identify musical notes just by hearing them. He could play chords by 3, compose music by 5, and completed his first opera but just 14 years old. Was he born with this gift? Once you study Mozart’s background, you might be inclined to believe that this is not necessarily the case.

Mozart grew up in a musical family. With composer and conductor father who had already taught Wofgangs older sister to an elite level. It’s relevant to know that his father was already an expert, who also had experience in teaching to a high level, and was now creating another musical expert. Would he have been the Mozart we know, if he had not had this background?

We’ve seen similar examples recently with Serena Williams, and Carolina Wozinaki in tennis, Lewis Hamilton in Formula One, and Michael Jackson in music. Each of them, proof that the right environment can help you to reach the elite level. They reached their pinnacle earlier than most, likely because they start much earlier that most us, as in those cases their fathers were instrumental in the development. Maybe you are thinking, *I’m too late to start trying to be great at something*. There are many examples of people who have taken up sports at a late age. In Peak, Ericsson mentions a 90 year old man who decided he wanted to get his black belt in martial arts. He made a plan and found a good teacher, and worked his way toward his goal. Do you still think you can use age as an excuse?

Maybe you think the skill you would like to learn is too complicated. Well, you may be encouraged to know, that there is little correlation between intelligence and elite performance. Yes, expertise is possible for all of us. It’s about creating the right environment to encourage growth.

 

So how do you develop a growth mindset?

First, you need to acknowledge that you can always improve. Fundamentally we already know this, as we have all witnessed children as they age, how they become more competent as human beings… well most of them.

All your skills and abilities can be improved if you choose to make an effort. Obviously, we don’t have time to consciously improve everything about ourselves all the time. So you will need to make a choice, of what is important to you you and would benefit your life, of you became at. Identify what skills you value and how you could benefit from being better at them. Are they skill related to your work or a hobby? How much time can you put aside?

It can be inspiring to see others who are good at what you want to be better at, so you can see what is possible. With the exception of permanent physiological or psychological differences including, for example, permanent disabilities that can affect certain skills, there are very few limitations that cannot be overcome. Of course, it will take time, so you will have to decide on your priorities, and what level you would like to get to, in what realistic time frame.

And Action!

You have made the choice. You will become better at a particular thing. Now what? You will need to take yourself seriously. What I mean by that is, making a realistic plan, and holding yourself accountable. When working with people, I have found that a mistake we often run in, is underestimating how much time and effort a project will take. I’ve made this mistake myself. It happens when we don’t ask enough questions about what it is we would like to work on.

Taking a project seriously, means understanding it as fully as possible, the journey. If you have a busy life, or time planning is something that challenges you, make a to-do list of what you need to do both related to the skill you want to improve, and other things in your life that need to be done. Arrange the things on your list in a calendar so you know when you need to do things and how long they should take. Get started as soon as you can. If you are already motivated and you have time, get started right away. The longer you put off getting started, the higher the likely hood that things will arise to stop you from making progress, and before you know it, it will become simple a dream that never came true. Dreams turn into reality with action.

In Conclusion 

Growth Mindset is the belief that you can improve at almost anything. Deliberate Practice will facilitate your growth. Action starts with research and planning

Taking yourself seriously is respecting your plan and getting started

We are all capable of growth, we simply need to make the choice to do so, and actively take steps towards our growth.

So what actions will you take today?



Angry or lost boys?

By Emma Pritchard (Accredited Counsellor and Certified Forest Therapist)

Since qualifying as a counsellor in 2014  I have received many referrals for young boys and young male adults labelled as “angry” by their parents and professionals. Their angry and often destructive behaviours leading them to become isolated at both school and home, and in some cases transitioning out of mainstream education to an alternative provision.  Expecting to meet with a real life Incredible Hulk, on the contrary they have appeared with a gentleness, sensitivity, sadness and loneliness, and left me commonly felt a sense that these boys are more lost and confused than angry.

Anger is a very normal emotion/feeling  for us all and many express, but as I explore this emotion with my clients it is often accompanied by other feelings such as shame and anxiety. As human beings we don’t like to see Anger, we don’t like to hear Anger and we don’t like to be Angry,  so many of us suppress Anger, and Anger then becomes very good at hiding other feelings.  Much of my therapeutic work  over the past 7 years has centred around supporting young people to find positive self-care coping strategies and outlets for their angry ene

 

Common Anger Triggers

  • Not feeling heard in busy family environments– suppressed anger will then look out of control to parents.
  • Young people hearing adult conversations and mirroring poor adult behaviours which are often not age appropriate, and leave them feeling confused or scared and will commonly trigger reactive anger
  • Limited quiet space to recharge batteries in busy homes, which is very common when siblings are sharing bedrooms
  • Bereavements and loss such as divorce, as anger is a normal part of the grief/loss cycle
  • Too much indoor Tech & Lack of exercise within indoor/outdoor spaces to release natural energy
  • Worries about not feeling good enough within family and amongst peers and having poor adult communication around them offering too much instruction and not enough listening / empathy

Forest Bathing Work

In 2017, I began working with my young clients solely and intuitively in woodland spaces to support their challenging feelings and thoughts. Through my additional Shinrin Yoku/Forest bathing studies I became reminded of how innately we are all connected to nature and began to see how positively young people respond to being in an outdoor space. In the 1980s, the Japanese culture recognised that they were becoming eye dominated with their advanced technology, and they began to embrace natural environments with prescriptive walks connecting to all senses instead of medication,(pioneered by Dr Qing Li) to support overwhelming feelings of anger, anxiety and depression. The Shinrin Yoku research not only reduces these overwhelming feelings, but it also boosts moods, creativity and productivity and our immune systems!

So what can we do to help?

  • Educate that anger is a normal emotion, as long as it is channelled in a positive way. Teach them that is okay to make mistakes as we learn from them. No-one needs to be perfect – just the best they can be
  • Help them to understand and recognise the physical sensations they may feel when they are angry, for example feeling hot, clenched fists, gritted teeth
  • These boys need to feel loved when they are angry (younger boys respond well to being wrapped in a blanket and hugged to support emotional regulation )
  • Their voices need to be heard within non-judgemental and kind spaces with trusting adults. Engage young males with supportive mentors which is positive for busy working parents and separated families
  • Encourage engagement with team sports; rugby, football, cricket  to support self esteem and self-confidence – local clubs are ready to provide your children with positive mentors. Encourage them to cook/bake which will increase their self-esteem and confidence within family/peer environments
  • Support them to express their emotions by listening to music; songs can be a great way to express emotions
  • Be amongst nature – Woodland walks, beach days – encourage them to notice their environment – sounds/smells/ sights
  • Exercise : Outdoor pursuits – Camping, scouts, fishing, kayaking, paddleboarding, climbing, sailing or go to the gym/boxing. Infact any sport is a great way to let off steam, encourage self discipline and control
  • Looking after pets/animals will support them to build empathy, kindness and responsibility for others. Encourage engagement with art and creativity – painting and drawing our emotions is a great way to express ourselves

Even before the coronovirus pandemic we all had a responsibility to help our lost boys and teach them self-responsibility and self-care for their angry energy.  The young people I work with simply love kicking leaves and running around in outdoor spaces, so if there is resistance initially,  then start with simple activities.  Remember that negative patterns take time to break so continue with new routines until it becomes the new normal.

I support Dorset schools with 1 to 1 and group outdoor therapeutic sessions, so please contact me via emma.pritcharddcw on Instagram or Emma Pritchard- Dorchester counselling and well-being on Facebook or my website if you feel your school or child would benefit from therapeutic support.

If you are worried or concerned about safeguarding a young person who is presenting with Angry behaviours at home or school then please contact your family GP,  social services and or young people professionals such as CAMHS for advice and support.

Self Sabotage – Taming the beast

men gambling

What is self sabotage? 

“Self Sabotage is when we say we want something & then go about making sure it doesn’t happen” – Alice Cornyn-Selby

You can probably relate to this very easily. When we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals or worse do things that hold us back and undermine who we can potentially become through destructve patterns of behaviour, this is self sabotaging. It is often a result of unresolved traumas in childhood or emotionally repressed characteristics or wounds we haven’t healed and skills we haven’t yet learned. Often with men we come across the inability to communicate feelings and emotions causes men to withdraw into denial and destructive habits like drinking, pornography, gambling and affairs. 

This behaviour can affect nearly every aspect of our lives, be it a relationship, a career goal, fitness and emotional health and wellbeing. Unless sorted out chances are it will manifest itself at some point and hurt you and those you love.

Self sabotage repeats and can be incredibilty damaging to self esteem and maintaining self confidence. We know we are doing it yet we can’t stop and if unchecked can leaves us feeling stuck, depressed and angry within

There are many reasons why someone may choose self sabotaging behavior, but many stem from a lack of belief in oneself.

Psychology Today provides good insight into why and how we self-sabotage. Substance abuse, poor sugar and diet management, addictive tendancies or procrastination can all be ways in which we self-sabotage. We may also self-sabotage by not committing to relationships or being a poor friend which is opposite to what we actually want to achieve and get closer to people. This blog post will help us to identify the reasons why we make decisions and some steps to tackle self sabotage

Reasons for self sabotage

Self worth – when we do not believe in ourselves we cannot achieve our goals and we tell ourselves that we are not good enough to have what we want, then we play this out in reality. So talk yourself up, with confidence and self love.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” – Maxwell Multz 

self sabotage drinking

We fear success – We may worry that we truly aren’t qualified or prepared for business start up for example, so we stay in a job we don’t enjoy for the safety of it. Our fear of success leads us to engage in behaviour that limits our success or enables our imposter syndrome. When we are getting close to achieving a goal we may start doing things take stop us from achieving the goal. Ed is a business coach and can help if you fear success in your career.

Control – Assuming negative outcomes ahead of time can often make us feel in control and thus we self sabotage the chance of a positive outcome to be not afraid of change that success or personal growth may bring to us

“Withholding love is a form of self-sabotage, as what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves” – Marianne Williamson

We blame– If you act like you may fail you will. When we think things like “I won’t get that new client anyways as they don’t like change” we displace our responsibility in achieving our goals. When we do fail, because we already told ourselves we would, the blame can be transferred elsewhere. We can justify procrastination or not preparing as we’ve already accepted that we won’t succeed.

We fear failure – This is the most overwhelming reason why we self sabotage. If we fear it we don’t trully give it our all. We sit in maybe and we don’t accelerate our dreams into execution. The fear reduces our impact and effectiveness to achieve and we can be comfortable we got the result right for the next time also. 

Execute. Execute. Execute.

Am I self-sabotaging?

  • Am I prioritizing instant gratification?
  • Do I have constant negative thoughts?
  • Do I not look after my physical and emotional health?
  • Am I always procrastinating?
  • Do I do things and regret them after with guilt?
  • Do I tell lies and cover up behaviours

Growth

Make a list of all the things that are preventing you from having what you want. Take time to evaluate why you want this and get real with your goals. Look at what is truly holding you back. Identify the small things, like moaning, time wasting, blaming and recfity them

If you are afraid of failure, consider listing all the ways you have succeeded in the past. Take a look at all the wonderful things you have already achieved. Try to remember what you overcame to get there and work on boosting your confidence. Try to remember that failure is ok too, and it will happen! We can’t always be perfect, and we won’t always get what we want. Accepting this shouldn’t limit our belief in ourselves but should instead guide us to understand that we should keep working on ourselves and open up to new opportunities.

If you don’t feel worthy it may be time to focus on self care. Stop focusing on what you think you do wrong and work on recognizing what you do right. Focus on giving yourself time to relax, eat well and get sleep. You need to feel good about yourself to move past your fears. Make yourself a priority. Prioritizing yourself will help you to boost your self-confidence and allow you to be better equipped to face you fear and move beyond self-sabotage.

When to get help?

How about listening to your Podcast here on the subject?

or consider speaking with a therapist or a life coach such as Ed, Winston or Mark if you are having difficulty working though your self-sabotaging behaviour.