Understanding your inner child

 

Growth starts by looking back

Many trace the concept of an inner child to psychiatrist Carl Jung, who described a child archetype in his work. He linked this internal child to past experiences and memories of innocence, playfulness, and creativity, along with hope for the future. So let’s explore what understanding the inner child is

Experts describe this inner child as an expression of not just your child self, but your lived experience of all life stages. The inner child is also noted as a source of strength, since early experiences can play a significant part in your development as an adult.

This can go both ways, though: When childhood experiences negatively affect you, your inner child may continue to carry these wounds until you address the source.

Unpacking the inner child

As a rule the traumas (physical, emotional and psychological) of childhood are a function of damaging parenting and environmental backdrops. These namely are as a result of your own parents or careers having inadequate skillsets or an inability to harness nurturing and supporting emotions. Further thus being unable to optimally educate and nurture children into well rounded, considered, balanced and stable adults.  This is not to say your parent’s weren’t incredible and loving in many ways. Perfection isn’t possible and all humans have the ability to hurt another. This of course is especially true with the parent-child relationship.

It’s therefore extremely vital that the inner child is heard in order to unpack how certain behaviours and situations shaped you made you feel and have carried forward into your adult self

“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent” – Carl Jung

Talking to your inner child

One powerful way of seeing your inner child is to keep a photo of yourself on your mirror and talk to him/her. Sounds a bit odd at first but showing love to that person is incredibly powerful. One of Bluemind’s core messages is “You don’t know what you don’t know” and that’s true for all people including parents and children so FORGIVE them and yourself for things that were done and said without love and care.

Another way to frame this is to see your early years through the eyes of gratitude and remember the positive things and efforts that were made rather than fixate on the negative aspects of it. This is not to forget and remove the negatives but it helps YOU realise that your trauma was a function of someone else’s damaged inner child and inadequacies to regulate their disruptive and unhealthy emotions.

“In every adult there lurks a child— an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention, and education. That is the part of the personality which wants to develop and become whole “ – Carl Jung

Write down your childhood

Think in ink! Write down things about your behaviour that you think are related to how your childhood played out. When you feel rejected or unheard in adult life for example? is that a function of feeling abandoned or not listened to when your were younger? Did one of your parents get angry and shout? That is going to impact you as you go through life and trigger you to repeat that behaviour or run away from it. You learn the good stuff from your parents and also, unfortunately the bad stuff. So write down connections between behaviours now and what you saw as a child and then do the work to process that, with a therapist by your side. 

Reconciling your inner child

Many people feel that to gain some degree of closure or being able to move forward then there needs to  some kind of acknowledgment of feelings between two parties. It’s fair to say that one of the hardest challenges in inter personnel navigation is being understood by other people. Emotions are deeply complex and it has helped me to accept this applies to adult <> child relationships. Whilst it probably helps for a parent to acknowledge their role in parenting, good and bad, some will not understand this or take accountability. You therefore need to see and be prepared to not be heard by the people you perhaps need it most from. That’s OK. Hurt people hurt people and it doesn’t prevent you leading a fulfilled and meaningful life or maximising your own potential. Look at your childhood as a part of who you are, and not you the being you are today.

Parents do their best with the resources that have at that time. Nobody is perfect, infact we are all deeply flawed so rise above that, work o yourself now and do not become a victim of anyone or anything that was done to you. You and your inner child deserve better!

Therapy – Professional coaching for the mind

Past trauma can cause a lot of distress. Therapists attempt to create a safe space for you to begin navigating this emotional turmoil and learn helpful strategies for healing your inner child. BlueMind supports the use of therapy to improve an understanding of who you are, seek reconciliation and power your true potential.

Therapists typically recognize how childhood experiences and other past events can affect your life, relationships, and overall well-being. But not all types of therapy prioritize exploration of past events or related concepts, such as the inner child.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, for example, is considered a highly effective treatment approach, but it generally focuses on your experiences in the present.

If you’re interested in doing some exploration of your past and getting to know your inner child, look for a therapist who has experience in this area. Typically, psychodynamically oriented psychotherapy can be a good fit.

Inner child therapy, also called inner child work, specifically focuses on this process, but other types of therapists can also offer support. It always helps to let potential therapists know the specific concerns you’d like to explore.

Therapy resources

MindBetterhelp

Reading

Inner Bonding : Becoming a Loving Parent to your inner child

Reconciliation – Healing the Inner Child

Male Ego & Vulnerability

What is the male ego and how does it work? Why is it there, and how does it affect our lives. I expect the reason you would read this blog is that it might help you better understand something about yourself or your life. And you are probably here because you want to improve something. In the following blog, you should find some information to help you understand and control your own ego, and understand others.

HOW DOES YOUR MALE EGO AFFECT YOU?

To answer this question, we have to first establish what we mean by the ego. Many would agree, that the ego is what we experience as ourselves; who we are, that separates us from other people and things. Our identity. As you read, you may realise some things that make you, You.

As soon as you started interacting with the world, even before you were conscious of it, you have been developing an ego. Before you were born, you reacted to the sound of your parent’s voice, and other things like the hormones passing through you from your mother.

The first thing you learn was to search for food (most likely your mother’s breast), and one of the first ways you learned to communicate was by turning your head away from what was being offered, meaning “no”. This is where shaking your head to signal “no” comes from.

Your biological preferences combined with what you were exposed to in your environment, created the foundation on which everything else was built, from the food you ate to the language and culture you developed.

You’ve spent your whole life-giving meaning to the things and events you’ve experienced. But what happens when you can’t make sense of things? What happens when things seem meaningless or go against what you have chosen to accept as “the truth”? What happens when you meet someone who can’t understand your way of seeing things?

When egos meet, is one area we can see how egos affect us.

HOW EGO DEFENCE MECHANISM WORKS?

We’ve established that the ego is who we believe ourselves to be, and who we believe others see us as. But what if we are faced with a situation or new piece of knowledge that challenges our beliefs?

When you learn something that changes your beliefs, some old beliefs have to die. This can be painful, and your ego has developed to try to protect you from that pain. We can either fight against the new information, or we can try to rearrange our understanding of the world, to make it fit in. Both require some thought, most likely both consciously and unconsciously. The more our strategies lean on the side of denial, the more we can describe these strategies as immature. The more we try to understand the new information in relation to current beliefs (trying to understand what is true), the more we can describe these strategies as mature. If we see it as acceptable we can assimilate it into our current belief system.

Immature defence mechanisms may include behaviour that deny or refuse to accept new information. More mature defences often include behaviour that tests the new information against what the we already accept to be true, to see if it could also be true. So its a choice of denial or assimilation.

Problems of ego can occur when you don’t establish alignment with your inner and outer world, and the new information presented to us, you can end in a state of cognitive dissonance, which is where you are attempting to exist in two opposing beliefs, for example behaving as if one thing is true, even though you are experiencing evidence that suggests otherwise.

The more conscious you are of the strategies you use, the more likely you are to use mature defences. Next time you discover some uncomfortable news, observe how you react to it. Do you deny it or try to understand it?

HOW DOES EGO RUIN RELATIONSHIPS?

Ego in itself does not ruin relationships. The more insecure you are in yourself, the more you will want to protect yourself from feeling wrong (even when you are wrong).

Those who have never looked inside and understood exactly what triggers them and why to tend to have very strong reactions to when they feel judged. Their reactions can damage relationships, especially if the relationship is with someone who is also insecure. I tend to find, the more secure someone is, the more patience they show when it comes to differing beliefs.

CAN MALE EGO BE A GOOD THING?

Ego is a good thing when we use constructive/mature strategies. It is what keeps us whole in a healthy way, not only keeping track of all the different parts of us and our environments that make us who we are, but also keeping track of our past, present and potential.

A healthy whole is one that allows us to experience the world without feeling that our identity is threatened, while at the same time not denying the truth.

Acceptance that new information need not create an existential problem for us. You are still the same person, when you find out that your partner has been unfaithful, or you didn’t get the job that thought you already had. Something is different to what you thought, and you can use that information to discover what has changed, or where you made and error. In any case, you as a whole are still you.

Think of your understanding of the world as a map, and you have discovered information that changes what you thought the territory looked like. Now you can reanalyse the terrain. If the information was always there, maybe you need to reconsider, through which lens you were viewing the map.

HOW CAN YOU ENCOURAGE MATURE STRATEGIES?

I remember being at a staff meeting a few years ago, where there was a complaint about something that had happened. The description of the event was described in a very vague way, maybe intentionally as it was used as an example of undesired behaviour. I couldn’t help but think that the meeting was focused on something that I had done, clouding how I received the information. At the end of the meeting, I asked specifically, if the situation was related to something I had done. Fortunately, it had nothing to do with me. But, I had sat in a defensive position for an hour because I thought I was under attack when actually I wasn’t. Sometimes we read things between the lines that are not there, and we assume it’s something about us, because what we focus on colours the way we experience the world. This is what I tend to do now.

SLOW DOWN

As soon as I feel myself getting triggered, I try to listen and observe objectively. In some cases, really step out of myself and observe my reactions, the others behaviour, and what is being said, both verbally and non verbally. Time is powerful and can be negative when we allow it to work against us, by rushing to reply, or thinking we need to give a response straight away. When you slow down and use time in your favour, two things happen. 1. You get to think more objectively and 2. The person who is pressuring you can give you more information.

EMPATHY

Try to put yourself in the other’s position, to get a better idea of where their behaviour is coming from. Is it based on you, or is it a mixture of other things going on in their life, or simply their way of looking at the world? Now that you understand, do you agree with their approach or is it irrelevant? Understanding their point of view does not mean that you agree. But it will advise how you should react.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

Be clear about what you want to achieve. You’ve given yourself time, you’ve understood their point of view. What you do next should be based on what you want to happen next. Let your behaviour and response be based on how best to achieve your desired result.

VULNERABILTY

When you are able to experience the world with patience and you feel secure in yourself, you will find it easier to engage with people more openly without feeling judged. The judgement of others shouldn’t necessarily make you want to change who you are. The primary factor in what develops and moulds you should be who you are trying to be. Part of that process is understanding who you already are. Even though you see yourself more fully than anyone else, there are elements that others see that you might not, as you only normally experience yourself through your own lens.

If you still get triggered by what others say about you, spend some time trying to understand what exactly it is that is creating that feeling. Take the time to understand where that belief comes from, and decide whether or not you own that belief. When you realise where you stand in relation to it, you can make a conscious decision about whether that will continue to be a part of your identity. Once you make this conscious decision, I’m certain you will become less triggered by it, allowing you to be more open.

What other strategies are you aware of for dealing with things that trigger your defence mechanisms?

Self Sabotage – Taming the beast

men gambling

What is self sabotage? 

“Self Sabotage is when we say we want something & then go about making sure it doesn’t happen” – Alice Cornyn-Selby

You can probably relate to this very easily. When we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals or worse do things that hold us back and undermine who we can potentially become through destructve patterns of behaviour, this is self sabotaging. It is often a result of unresolved traumas in childhood or emotionally repressed characteristics or wounds we haven’t healed and skills we haven’t yet learned. Often with men we come across the inability to communicate feelings and emotions causes men to withdraw into denial and destructive habits like drinking, pornography, gambling and affairs. 

This behaviour can affect nearly every aspect of our lives, be it a relationship, a career goal, fitness and emotional health and wellbeing. Unless sorted out chances are it will manifest itself at some point and hurt you and those you love.

Self sabotage repeats and can be incredibilty damaging to self esteem and maintaining self confidence. We know we are doing it yet we can’t stop and if unchecked can leaves us feeling stuck, depressed and angry within

There are many reasons why someone may choose self sabotaging behavior, but many stem from a lack of belief in oneself.

Psychology Today provides good insight into why and how we self-sabotage. Substance abuse, poor sugar and diet management, addictive tendancies or procrastination can all be ways in which we self-sabotage. We may also self-sabotage by not committing to relationships or being a poor friend which is opposite to what we actually want to achieve and get closer to people. This blog post will help us to identify the reasons why we make decisions and some steps to tackle self sabotage

Reasons for self sabotage

Self worth – when we do not believe in ourselves we cannot achieve our goals and we tell ourselves that we are not good enough to have what we want, then we play this out in reality. So talk yourself up, with confidence and self love.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” – Maxwell Multz 

self sabotage drinking

We fear success – We may worry that we truly aren’t qualified or prepared for business start up for example, so we stay in a job we don’t enjoy for the safety of it. Our fear of success leads us to engage in behaviour that limits our success or enables our imposter syndrome. When we are getting close to achieving a goal we may start doing things take stop us from achieving the goal. Ed is a business coach and can help if you fear success in your career.

Control – Assuming negative outcomes ahead of time can often make us feel in control and thus we self sabotage the chance of a positive outcome to be not afraid of change that success or personal growth may bring to us

“Withholding love is a form of self-sabotage, as what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves” – Marianne Williamson

We blame– If you act like you may fail you will. When we think things like “I won’t get that new client anyways as they don’t like change” we displace our responsibility in achieving our goals. When we do fail, because we already told ourselves we would, the blame can be transferred elsewhere. We can justify procrastination or not preparing as we’ve already accepted that we won’t succeed.

We fear failure – This is the most overwhelming reason why we self sabotage. If we fear it we don’t trully give it our all. We sit in maybe and we don’t accelerate our dreams into execution. The fear reduces our impact and effectiveness to achieve and we can be comfortable we got the result right for the next time also. 

Execute. Execute. Execute.

Am I self-sabotaging?

  • Am I prioritizing instant gratification?
  • Do I have constant negative thoughts?
  • Do I not look after my physical and emotional health?
  • Am I always procrastinating?
  • Do I do things and regret them after with guilt?
  • Do I tell lies and cover up behaviours

Growth

Make a list of all the things that are preventing you from having what you want. Take time to evaluate why you want this and get real with your goals. Look at what is truly holding you back. Identify the small things, like moaning, time wasting, blaming and recfity them

If you are afraid of failure, consider listing all the ways you have succeeded in the past. Take a look at all the wonderful things you have already achieved. Try to remember what you overcame to get there and work on boosting your confidence. Try to remember that failure is ok too, and it will happen! We can’t always be perfect, and we won’t always get what we want. Accepting this shouldn’t limit our belief in ourselves but should instead guide us to understand that we should keep working on ourselves and open up to new opportunities.

If you don’t feel worthy it may be time to focus on self care. Stop focusing on what you think you do wrong and work on recognizing what you do right. Focus on giving yourself time to relax, eat well and get sleep. You need to feel good about yourself to move past your fears. Make yourself a priority. Prioritizing yourself will help you to boost your self-confidence and allow you to be better equipped to face you fear and move beyond self-sabotage.

When to get help?

How about listening to your Podcast here on the subject?

or consider speaking with a therapist or a life coach such as Ed, Winston or Mark if you are having difficulty working though your self-sabotaging behaviour.