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007 as a woman?

Why am I writing this on a plane from Malaysia to London? Why am I compelled to type my thoughts and put it on a website blog where 9 people might read it (if I pay Google to find them maybe as my keyword tags probably won’t work again). Who am I saving? Me? Am I attention seeking? What is awakening and self- acceptance?

Why don’t I just watch James Bond? Daniel Craig is great. He wears quilted jackets incredibly well. My mental chatter is alive at least……I don’t think we need a female Bond and I’m not sexist, or am I? God I hate our cultural necessity to be politically correct.

Say what you think. If someone is upset that I think Bond should be a man…..well they probably need to feel heard. Why do we all have to agree? When did we all get so sensitive ? When did that happen? Oh I know….Social Media gave everyone a stage to tell the world how they feel and ultimately as many of us are desperate for validation, social media has now become a kindergarten on meth amphetamine where the emotionally chaotic, parentally damaged, lonely and miserable go to find validation and oh boy/girl you had better listen to them or else you’ll be shamed online for saying you would prefer Bond being James, not Janet.

Maybe get off social media. It’s a swamp.


Why do some people want to share? 

Are we genuinely doing it out of a need to help others or some deeper need for acceptance  or validation, or love. Do we doubt ourselves? Are we harbouring guilt? Why do we do anything really if it isn’t to give and receive love back. From sending a card, wearing make up, dressing up, liking a post, hanging out with friends and to finding a romantic partner. We all seek connection and validation.

Discussing self-awareness, growth, development, enlightenment and philosophy is really very interesting to some of us. This week, YouTube led me to Zen mastery, conduiting from my daily absorption of Alan Watt’s life changing philosophy. Honestly, one could listen to Mr Watts for ever. He never fails to spark me into challenging my belief system and honestly, deep, deep down I enjoy his lectures. 7 years ago I didn’t know he existed and moreover, didn’t care he existed. That’s the thing about waking up. You see yourself as part of something bigger, you are part of an energy, a new beating life rhythm, and resisting it is futile. You get back what you put in and the more you hurt people, the more you will get hurt and the more you show love, the more you seem to find. Forgiveness, truth and calmness are the new superpowers. You don’t get it until you do and then it’s a bit like stopping a crack in a dam with toothpaste.

achieve growth


Awakening and self-acceptance

That’s where I conduit on the subject of awakening and self-acceptance. Some of us are awake and most of us are not. The Japanese call it ‘Kensho‘ which means seeing one’s true nature and is often used alongside, ‘Satori’, which means to know or understand. Usually we get to a point in our life where we seek some answers as to why we feel unhappy, something is feeling off or usually we have made a jolly big hash out of something and thought hey…maybe it’s me? Maybe if I learnt a bit more about the world I might find some useful stuff out? We seek change often through pain and that change is within all of us, unfortunately the wheels may need to fall off first, if you haven’t killed yourself through self-sabotage first. Tragically, some don’t make the opportunity to change and that is so deeply hurtful to the ones that do that, well, we feel grateful we did, obliged to help those slipping to the edge and well, that’s where the need to share probably comes from. Those who have felt pain seek others to avoid it. It’s love. It’s compassion. It is meaningful. If leaving behind a memory of helping someone’s life isn’t the basis for a meaningful life, well I have no idea what is.

When we meet others, or listen, or talk, the connection between people who are spiritually awake is different. There are no masks, we are vulnerable, we won’t lie, we don’t show you our ego, we live through feelings and thoughts. We know the truth is the only route because we were parented to lie, to hide behind secrets. Well let me tell you. They make you sick

We seek connection more than anything, We want to dive into your soul and see you. This is a magical thing and gives life depth, meaning and beauty. The downside is we are deeply sensitive, overthink, are often afraid of being hurt, feel insecure sometimes and need to overshare. We overshare because we seek connection with like-minded souls. All humans need connection. The more awakened you are the more connection you need and can give. It becomes a way of life. You are alive finally, beautifully unafraid, confident in your existence, forgiven and at peace with who you have and are becoming. If accepting yourself can get you this far how much further can it take you? Oh how rich it is to share your mind with others who listen, really listen and who want to explore such a way of living.

I am content in the fact my healing is a life-long commitment, I am deeply flawed, I need help sometimes and my guilt is more a concern to not mess things up again but I am no longer saving myself or trying to save you. Quite the contrary when people overstep boundaries or, let me down repeatedly they are gone. Zero sum game. You take. I take back. No benefits of the doubt.

Truth is, sure, it would be great if people found this blog helpful. Don’t we all seek validation in life and positive feedback, simply and purely. My mind is buzzing with creative energy and these thoughts have found a home. That is enough. To unburden yourself is a necessary. The alternative is not recommended.

Most human beings seek understanding, a thirst to unpack what life is all about. We seek meaning and purpose. Life’s biggest struggle is understanding why we are here and some more than others aren’t satisfied with discussing weather and roadworks, or the BBC news, or sport. We want something more, we seek depth and understanding with other like-minded souls. We need a place to park our joy and our sadness. To learn. To grow.

Be different. Be yourself.

It’s not a happiness competition. It doesn’t matter if we share common ground, consider the above to have merit or you think it’s delusional, emotional vomit. It doesn’t matter as I am not trying to persuade you to watch motivational videos on YouTube and read Carl Jung. You will, or you won’t. If you are reading this far, I am convinced you are on the right path.

I don’t know if this reads well, makes sense or even has any point. It makes sense in my mind but I am not sure I captured what my brain is telling me and that is simply to let my voice flow to where it needs to.

Acceptance doesn’t have to make sense

I don’t need to be right or even know where words will take me but I wrote them down, shared them with the world to try and help and that hopefully might matter to some of our 9 readers ;0)

Be yourself. Always. Don’t be afraid of speaking your truth. Your emotional and mental health is more important than being silent because confrontation is hard. We get that.

The alternative is horrifying. You will become who you were before and that is not the answer.

Ed x

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